Expert Cheating Advice
He cheated. Now what? If you’ve recently discovered your spouse was
unfaithful, your head is probably spinning. To help you handle the
initial shock and avoid an anxiety-induced meltdown, we’ve put together
six survival strategies for dealing with a cheater.
Take deep breaths
Finding out that your partner has cheated can be a serious shock,
especially
if you didn’t suspect or see it coming. Ward off panic by taking some
really deep breaths, Rivkin advises. This may seem like an overly
simplistic first step, but it's an extremely effective way to help shift
from panic mode to functionality. Unless you breathe deeply, you’re
going to continually feed your panic and it will be much harder to calm
down. “When you’re not breathing deeply, your brain is deprived of
oxygen and your body tenses, feeding the cycle,” she explains. “The
probability of making bad decisions increases.”
Confront the cheater
Depending on how you found out, you need to confront the cheater.
Sitting on the information isn’t going to make you feel any better, but
how you choose to deal with the betrayal is an individual decision. Who
you are, how you found out, what your relationship is like with your
partner, how much shock you’re in, etc., will all be factors that lead
you to decide what you want to do right after you’ve found out that your
partner is cheating, explains Rivkin. “Your whole world has fallen
apart, similar to experiencing an earthquake or natural disaster, so do
what your instincts dictate,” she says. “Do not judge or be hard on
yourself for whatever you choose to do.”
Think about logistics
Even though you're in the midst of a relationship crisis, life still
goes on. Things need to get done (going to work, getting the kids to
school, chores), but it can all feel like a huge task. “Nothing comes
easily right now,” Rivkin says. Feeling overwhelmed is normal, but don’t
let that feeling overtake your day-to-day life, especially if you have
kids.
- If you have kids, and if they see you crying and/or fighting, let them know immediately that it has nothing to do with them.
- If you feel immobilized and simply can’t drive your kids to school
and/or their activities, make arrangements for them until you feel you
are okay to drive.
“Remember, you’re in crisis mode, so be kind to yourself by getting some temporary help with basic functioning,” says Rivkin.
Create a support team
Because of the deep damage to trust that this kind of betrayal
brings, it's important that, if you can afford it, you find a good
therapist and get help as soon as possible. “I’ve discovered that the
couples who seek help the quickest after an affair have the best
recovery results,” Rivkin says. Good therapy can help a couple determine
their direction (to stay or go) and whether trust can be rebuilt or
not. In addition to seeking professional help, creating your support
team will be a huge help. “Your team and connections will help you
survive and recover from the affair quicker,” she explains. "Carefully
assess your relationships with others to figure out who you think will
be the most understanding, nonjudgmental and supportive person."
Ask questions
After you’ve confronted your partner about the affair, tons of
questions will flood your mind (Why didn’t I know? Why didn’t I trust my
intuition? Why did this happen?). It's through asking questions and
feeling all your feelings that the healing starts, Rivkin says. "The
questions and their answers are the first step to piecing together what
happened to your relationship." It's important to look at the history
and the patterns of your relationship and begin to understand where the
breach of trusting each other really started.
Create a plan of no action
Most people usually have the tendency to want to take some kind of
action right after discovering a cheating partner. It may help for the
moment, but because you’re in crisis, your judgment can be impaired, so
it’s wise not to make any big decisions at this time, Rivkin explains.
Instead, make the smaller decisions first: Get a therapist, read a book,
talk to your support system, do some writing and do some talking with
your partner. “You will ultimately have some major decisions to make as
to what direction you want your relationship to go, but these decisions
will be made with time and clarity,” she says. So for now, don’t make
any major decisions.
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