How to keep the romance alive and hot

Improve Your Relationship

Don't let work, kids, your girlfriends or your crazy schedule get in the way of your relationship. It's time to get out of your routine and spice things up, and SheKnows knows just what will do the trick! 

 

How did things get off track?!

Often the hardest aspect is trying to understand what the man in our life is thinking. Michael French, author of Why Men Fall Out of Love: What Every Woman Needs to Understand, explains why men fall out of love, and offers tips on how to bring some excitement back into any marriage or relationship. In his book, French presents a fascinating look at men's deepest feelings, identifying the key issues that can unravel even the tightest bonds, and has even identified the four top relationship busters:
Loss of intimacy
When a man feels rejected by his partner 
The quest for validation
Which stems from low self-esteem, and a man's continual search for approval and acceptance
The perfection impulse
The tendency of men to mask low self-esteem with achievement
The fading of attraction
When men tell their partners they're no longer attracted to them, they're masking the real reason for their loss of interest -- that they're not getting enough love
"Libido is like a muscle -- use it or lose it! That means you have to make a habit of lovemaking. The more you do it -- the more you'll feel like doing it," says Jennifer Oikle, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in relationship coaching. So, ladies, you heard the doctor, go out and get some "exercise."

What motivates men?

According to Dr. Cheryl McClary PhD, JD, a women's health professor and the author of The Commitment Chronicles -- The Power of Staying Together, men are not motivated by simply wanting to have a better relationship. Instead, men are motivated by:

• Fear: of losing, and of change
• Greed: for food and for money
• Lust: for you and for his toys

"In a way, men sometimes are like cute pet puppies. A man would much rather roll around in the mud or dig holes in the yard than spend time making his relationship better," Dr. McClary says.

"Now I am not saying men are like dogs or that they should come panting when you whistle. I am saying that many lessons about living with men can be learned from observing ever-faithful canine companions."

All obedience schools are based on the reward system, she says, so it's probably worth applying some of their basic principles.

How to improvE your relationship:

• Remember that what you want is a responsive, attentive companion.
• Be persistent and consistent in teaching him what you expect.
• Communicate your needs clearly.
• Model gentle, loving behavior.
• Lavish him with rewards (which will reward you too!). 

7 tips to keep romance alive:

Have a weekly date night
Take turns deciding what each of you would like to do each time. Have fun being together, just the two of you, for a few hours each week. Go out to eat, on a picnic, for a walk, play miniature golf, to the office and fool around, go bowling, and on and on.

Drop it!
Let go of all the past crap he's put you through. Start fresh, right now. Begin making new memories. Discover each other all over again. After all, he's dating a new, wonderful, wild woman. Let the woman be fully present on your "dates."

Be passionate
No more little pecks on the check, little shoulder top hugs, or weak "love ya's." Come on, you empowered woman! Go the distance. At least once a day, kiss him like you really mean it. When you hug each other, make sure you give a full-blown, juicy, full body bear hug (stiffness or tense hugging does not count). When he says "love ya," stop what you are doing, walk over to him, look him in the eyes, and say "I love you, too. I mean, I really do love you!" Enjoy the feelings this invokes.

Do something a little extra
Leave love notes, send cards, take him out to dinner, dance with him or for him, make him lemonade and cookies or his favorite cocktail... just for him, and just for the heck of it. Try these fun ideas from the SheKnows Love Experts:

Notice him
When he comes home, stop for a minute and welcome him home. If he's home before you, acknowledge his presence in a loving way. Remember, you are healed and whole now. This will make you feel good, like you are giving him the precious gift of being loved by you.

Take vacations together
Make sure that at least one vacation, even if just for a weekend or one full night, is just for the two of you. SheKnows is full of romantic travel ideas to get you planning!

Renew your marriage vows
"Jim and I went to Las Vegas to the Mission of the Bells chapel," says McClary. "It was great. The re-marriage package included a limo with a bar and TV (I had to promptly confiscate the remote), the church service, minister, music, flowers, and champagne. It was perfect! All that was missing was an Elvis impersonator to "give me away!" We honeymooned at Caesar's Palace. The best part was that my ever-awakening husband planned every bit of this. A Real Love marriage, and honeymoon -- aah, life doesn't get much better than that!"

How to Reignite the passion

"Doing something out of the ordinary will spark the relationship," says Dr. Taffy Wagner, a love and money expert and author of Debt Dilemma. She recommends that in order to reignite passion in a relationship that has gone routine:

• Have a date night at the other person's favorite place
• Dinner theater is always a nice twist
• Treat your mate to a vacation where you pay for everything
• Send your mate a dozen balloons
• Even a one night stay over at a hotel that has hot-tubs in the room to break up the routine.

Terri Orbuch, PhD, better known as television and radio's Love Doctor, who specializes in marriage, modern dating, love, and sex, offers the following tips:

Add a new or exciting element into your life.
When your marital sex life is in the doldrums, an effective remedy is get you and your partner excited--out of bed. This could be anything from skiing to taking a cooking class to going on a mystery date. It transmits the subliminal message of freshness, energy, and unpredictability -- just what you want in the sack.

Be afraid -- be very afraid.
Plan an activity that scares the living daylights out of you and your partner. Go on a roller coaster ride or see a scary movie. Studies show that activities producing fear and excitement produce hormones associated with sexual arousal.

Practice small endearments.
Make an effort to kiss him when you see him. Hold hands when you go out. Snuggle while you watch TV. Studies show that people feel more connected to their partners when they hold hands, hug, kiss, and cuddle. This closeness leads to more and better sex.

Surprise him with an erotic email.
Send your partner a sexy email or give him a call out of the blue in the middle of the day. Showing your guy that you're hot for him, even during your busy day, is very exciting to males.

Reacquaint yourselves.
When was the last time you two talked about something other than work and family? Ask him about his dreams. Ask him to tell you about his favorite pre-marriage vacation. Get to know him again just like you did on your first dates. It will work wonders on your love life.

Get a tune-up.
There's nothing wrong with relationship workshops. In fact, there are so many fun ones these days that you and your guy might just want to make it an annual event. The whole point of these events is to get two people loving again. Take a tip or two from pros -- that's what they're good at. You change your oil every 5,000 miles, don't you? Why not put a little effort into your sex life and relationship.